Orgasmic Birth: What It's Really Like

donderdag 26 september 2013

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AppId is over the quota

Earlier this week, I talked about the possibility of using laughter to achieve an orgasmic birth -- you know, as in having the big "O" in the midst of your baby coming into the world.

And while I will probably always find the whole deal a little bit on the hokey side, there are women who are having orgasms during their deliveries, which got me thinking. What exactly goes through their heads while they're climaxing in the delivery room?

My gut tells me it's quite the scene -- and it probably goes a little something like this.

"OMG. Here comes another contraction. Holy fu&%ing sh&$, this HURTS."

(Panting like a dog in heat.) "Wait a second, I'm supposed to laugh. If I laugh, all the pain will magically go away. But it HURTS, dammit."

"Wait! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ooo! I think it's working."

"Ooo. Is it getting warm in here? And that doctor is all sorts of hot. I think he wants me."

"OMG. OMG. OMG. This feels absolutely AMAZING. Should I go for it?"

"Oh yeah! YEAAAAHHHHHH! YES! YES! YES!"

"Sigh. Whew. I think I need a nap now."

"Huh? What happened? And where the hell am I?"

"Snort. I just had a flipping orgasm in the middle of giving birth and no one noticed."

"OMG. Why are they all looking at me like that. Crap. They totally know what just happened. This is mortifying."

"Ahh! I think I feel the head!"

Image via bayasaa/Flickr

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Photo of Soldier Watching Birth of His Twins Via Skype Will Give You Chills

maandag 23 september 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Mary Fischer 5 hours ago

After seeing this photo of a military dad watching his twins' birth via Skype all the way from Afghanistan, it's easy to understand why it's going viral. I mean, we hear about soldiers witnessing their children's deliveries while stationed overseas all the time, but it's not very often that the actual moment is captured on film.

But luckily, someone had a camera nearby when Colton Romney was watching his wife, Shannon, undergoing a C-section to welcome their twin daughters, Liberty and Lauren, into this world. This allowed Shannon to see his reaction even though he wasn't physically there with her.

Take a look at this video clip to hear more about the birth.

Aww! Their story is so beautiful yet very bittersweet at the same time. It's so wonderful that we have the kind of technology these days to allow these dads to be "present" in the delivery room in a way, yet it's still so tough to think about parents going through such an emotional experience without each other.

Put yourself in Colton's shoes -- can you imagine how hard it must have been for him to hang up that phone after the birth? I'm sure all he wanted to do was hop on a plane and head home to be with all three of his girls immediately. Knowing that wasn't an option must have been heartbreaking.

And that brings us to Shannon. The thought of giving birth to twins without your husband by your side is gut-wrenching enough -- but when you throw in the fact that he's still deployed and she's getting ready to bring them home from the hospital alone, it's pretty impossible to conceive of.

But I guess there is one bright light -- at least Shannon did not technically have to spend her birthday alone, since the twins arrived that very same day. If Colton couldn't be there, at least she wound up with two incredibly special and irreplaceable presents!

Were you moved to tears by this photo?

Image via Facebook

Click "Like" if you love someone in the military! ABOUT THE AUTHOR Mary Fischer

is the writer behind The Mommyologist, and the mom of a future famous comedian. Her current loves include Pinot Grigio on ice and Harry Styles -- in that order.

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Woman Should Be Fined for Giving Birth on Plane and Inconveniencing Passengers

dinsdag 17 september 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Lisa Fogarty 12 hours ago

Most of us have to admit we've done some pretty inconsiderate things while pregnant. I confess to sending my husband out in the dead of winter on more than one occasion in pursuit of a certain brand and flavor of frozen yogurt. 

But when your irresponsible actions could potentially hurt your baby -- not to mention piss off and put out hundreds of people -- well, shame on you. Take, for example, this woman who lied about her pregnancy and gave birth on an airplane. What was she thinking?

An Arik Air flight en route from Nigeria to London had to make an emergency landing in Spain on Sunday because a woman on board was in labor and giving birth while the plane was airborne. Fortunately for the mom, whose name hasn't been released, two doctors on board came to her rescue. Both mom and baby are fine, but the drama is far from over. The airline is now looking into the very real possibility that the woman's doctor provided her with a false medical report that lied about the duration of her pregnancy!

You may recall that, among other rules like not eating sushi and drinking loads of wine, women over 32 weeks pregnant are prohibited from flying. And this is a perfect example of why -- what if a complication had occurred while this woman gave birth and she was unable to take care of it while 32,000 feet in the air? Whatever her reasons for doing something so mindless, the bottom line is that she put her health and the health of her baby at risk. 

Oh, and let's not forget that she also inconsiderately cost hundreds of other passengers their time and, possibly, money. Who knows how many of those passengers had connecting flights that they missed in London because of this woman? If her doctor must pay some kind of penalty for providing false medical documents, I feel she should also be held accountable for putting herself and her baby at risk, while disrupting the lives of others. 

Do you think this woman should pay a penalty for her actions or do you think the 32-week fly cut-off is just ridiculous? 

Image Via viZZZual.com/Flickr

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Lisa Fogarty

is a former old-timey print journalist who lives in Brooklyn with her husband and toddler girl. She still carries a notebook everywhere and is always on the lookout for tasty vegan food and blouses with collars that will finally put the Peter Pan out on its (adorable) tush.

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Maya Rudolph Gives Birth to Baby #4: Is She Nuts?!

woensdag 11 september 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Lisa Fogarty 3 hours ago

Congratulations are in order for actress Maya Rudolph who, alongside Oscar-nominated director Paul Thomas Anderson, has welcomed her fourth child. The couple is keeping a tight lip on the child's gender, name, and actual birth date, which isn't typical in tell-all Hollywood, but kudos to them for attempting to retain some privacy in these precious early weeks. The 41-year-old Bridesmaids star and her 43-year-old husband already have their hands full with Pearl, 7, Lucille, 3, and Jack, 2. 

So now comes the big question -- the one that's so much more important than those inevitable ones she'll get about how she managed to shrink back to a size 4 just weeks after giving birth: is Rudolph a super woman or simply nuts for raising three kids under age 4 at the same time?

Don't get me wrong. I respect the funny pants off her for having enough energy, courage, and love within her to just go for it. Rudolph herself told pal Salma Hayek just last year that she coudn't believe she had three children and was "never doing this again." So it's not crazy to speculate that at least one of the following thoughts may have crossed her mind when she saw that positive pregnancy test:

Holy cow. Can we do this? Will this be the one that breaks me? And where exactly do we store three sizes of diapers, even in this fabulous mansion in which we live? 

On a personal note, I'm expecting my second child this spring, and my 2-year-old is still as anti-toilet as a human can get. I have nightmarish visions in my head of having to change two diapers simultaneously and tend to two screaming children and just absolutely sucking at it all. I constantly wonder whether I am crazy for not waiting a few more years, at least until my child doesn't scream at the sight of a toilet seat. 

I understand that, at age 41, Rudolph doesn't have the luxury of waiting years until her entire brood is in school before she has another baby. And maybe she just loves the idea that her babies are so close in age that the likelihood is strong they'll grow up with a great bond. You have to admit that, once she gets over the crazy toddler hump and nutty teen years, family holidays will probably be a lot of fun at their house. 

What do you think? Is it a blessing or a curse to raise so many children so close in age? 

Image via NBC.com 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Lisa Fogarty

Lisa Fogarty is a former old-timey print journalist who lives in Brooklyn with her husband and toddler girl. She still carries a notebook everywhere and is always on the lookout for tasty vegan food and blouses with collars that will finally put the Peter Pan out on its (adorable) tush.

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Baby Decides Mom's Choice of Hospital Birth Wasn't a Good Idea

maandag 2 september 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Michele Zipp Yesterday at 9:30 AM

You could have what you think is an iron-clad birth plan. Maybe you have a doula and midwife and hypnobirthing plan. Perhaps you are ready for an epidural while wearing a hospital gown. But we all know that babies have their own birth plan. A plan we know nothing about.

Just like the kid who clearly wanted a Slurpee as their first drink and decided to be born outside of a 7-Eleven, Sheila Wallace's baby wanted nothing to do with a hospital or even home birth.

This baby wanted to stand out. The 31-year-old mother gave birth in the parking lot of the hospital. She arrived at St. Joseph's in Chippewa Falls, WI, at around 11 a.m. after having contractions in the morning. Her water broke at home but she wanted to get to the hospital. Luckily Sheila's mom Roxanne Dachel was with her. Husband Raleigh was at work. 

Sheila's words to her mom during that drive to the hospital were: "We’re fine mom. We’re not going to have this kid in the car." Baby girl McKenzie knew that was true, too. She wanted to be born outside the car. As soon as grandma parked and Sheila stepped out, she felt the urge to push and baby made her entrance. Grandma ran into the hospital to get help as Sheila birthed the baby right into her own arms. 

Within seconds it seemed everyone arrived. Nurses and doctors and proud papa Raleigh, all crowded around the car in the parking lot.

Sheila really believed she had more time. She has three kids already and with all of them she labored for at least four hours at this very same hospital. Not for baby McKenzie though. Her plan was quite different.

Mom and baby are doing fantastic! Congrats to the family and way to go McKenzie on your successful birth plan.

What do you think of this story? Do you think babies have their "own plan"?

Image via Greg Dunlap/Flickr

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Michele Zipp

loves vintage and will defend skinny jeans to the death though she is highly superstitious and "death" is probably a bad word choice. She has a touch of the hoarding disease and enjoys sleuthing, the worst reality shows, and wearing high heels, even at the playground. She's an AP mom of twins, slightly crunchy but with a pedicure.

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Woman Unexpectedly Gives Birth at Daughter's Elementary School (VIDEO)

maandag 26 augustus 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Julie Ryan Evans 4 hours ago

Just when we thought we'd heard of women giving birth in every unexpected place possible, here comes a new one. Maria Lys Colin of Miramar, Florida, actually gave birth inside of an elementary school.  

According to the UPI, the woman was in the main office at Fairway Elementary School, which her 7-Year-old daughter attends. She was there to pick her up on the way to the hospital because her husband was out of town, and she knew the baby was coming. When she started moaning and holding her stomach, it became clear, however, that she would be leaving with one more child than she thought she would.

Staff quickly took her to the schools' clinic, and they called 911. Fortunately, Police officer Natasha Richardson, who had some experience in the matter, was on duty at the school and jumped in to help, because it all happened before emergency workers arrived.

Richardson told the Miami Herald, "It was like 1-2-3. Water broke, head came out, baby came out.”

Right there at school! Things were made a little more complicated because the mom didn't speak much English, but an interpreter was able to deliver Richardson's important instructions as to when it was time to push.
Turns out, it just took one push, and the baby girl -- named Maybelle Colin Sainvilus -- was delivered right there in the school while classes went on around them. The ambulance still hadn't arrived, and when she wasn't crying, Richardson cleared the baby's airway with her finger. When rescue workers finally arrived, they cut the umbilical cord, and mom and baby were taken to the hospital. Both are said to be doing fine, and were surprised to get a visit from Richardson in the hospital.What an incredible birth story that is, especially if the little girl goes to school there someday. She can just take the class on a little field trip and have one of the best show and tells ever.

WSVN-TV -

WSVN-TV -

What's the craziest place you can imagine giving birth? ABOUT THE AUTHOR Julie Ryan Evans

can be found writing from coffee houses wherever she may be. The quality of her days is largely influenced by the seat she nabs and whether a protein plate is available.

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Marine's Wife Gives Birth in Helicopter 6,000 Feet In the Air (VIDEO)

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AppId is over the quota
by Mary Fischer 6 hours ago

We've heard countless tales of women having babies on the side of the road, in their cars, and even on airplanes -- but one mom may have just topped all of those stories after giving birth in a helicopter while traveling at 6,000 feet.

Lisa Clinard, the wife of U.S. Marine Staff Sgt. Josh Clinard wasn't feeling right on the morning of July 31st, and that's when she and her husband decided she should probably get checked out by labor and delivery just to be on the safe side. She had some back pain and thought she may have kidney stones -- but then her water broke. A helicopter was called in to airlift her to Loma Linda University Medical Center in Southern California, but apparently her baby girl just wasn't willing to wait until they landed to make her entrance into the world.

Take a look at this video to hear more about Lisa's incredible birth story.

OMG. Can you even imagine? And it seems so ironic that when the chopper was brought in, Lisa agreed to ride in it but said, "Okay, as long as I don't give birth in a helicopter." (Almost like she jinxed herself!)

And how about the kidney stone thing? Huh. Considering she wasn't at her due date yet, I guess it's easy to see where back pain could be confused with something other than going into labor. Even though many moms wonder whether they will deliver early -- you never actually think it's going to happen to you, right?

While these parents have a very cool birth story to tell their friends and family, it did strike me how honest Lisa was about being scared during her ordeal -- and you can only fathom how uncomfortable she must have been. Heck, it was bad enough going through labor and delivery in a hospital birthing suite, so something tells me lying inside a tiny helicopter while trying to push out a baby isn't exactly an ideal situation.

And it also sounds like Lisa and her husband had one heck of a time getting a birth certificate issued for their daughter, considering they had to get a helicopter flight record as one of the required documents. I wonder if anyone else has ever requested one for that reason? (Hmm. I'm guessing odds aren't good.)

What amazed you most about this birth story?

Image via SoccerHD1/YouTube

Click "Like" if you love someone in the military! ABOUT THE AUTHOR Mary Fischer

is the writer behind The Mommyologist, and the mom of a future famous comedian. Her current loves include cosmopolitans, reality TV, and shoes that don't pinch her feet.

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Mom Gives Birth Mid-Flight and Boy Did She Get Lucky!

woensdag 14 augustus 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Mary Fischer 2 hours ago

A woman traveling from Casablanca, Morocco to Bologna, Italy on a Royal Air Morac flight went into labor after takeoff on Sunday and gave birth to a baby boy mid-flight before the plane had a chance to land.

The flight had been diverted to Barcelona, presumably after this poor woman started pushing out a baby in mid-air, but I guess her little guy just wasn't willing to wait until the wheels touched down.

And while delivering a baby on an airplane isn't exactly the birthing story every mom dreams of, this woman was graced with a stroke of luck that probably made things a little bit easier.

The flight's crew members did come to her assistance, but would you believe there also happened to be a midwife on board who helped deliver the baby? Sheesh. What are the odds?

We've seen countless scenarios on TV and in movies where you hear someone yell, "Is there a doctor on board?" when something goes down on a plane. Can you imagine this mom's relief and surprise when a midwife popped up out of her seat and came to the rescue?

Upon arriving in Barcelona, both mom and baby were taken to the hospital, and the airline says they are both doing well. And after that, the plane did continue on to its intended destination of Bologna, Italy.

And while I'm sure this midwife received more than a few thank-yous, it probably wouldn't be in bad taste if the airline offered her a few extra frequent flier miles for aiding in the birth. She certainly went above and beyond the call of duty for a standard airline passenger!

Have you ever worried about going into labor on a plane?

Image via abdallahh/Flickr

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Mary Fischer

is the writer behind The Mommyologist, and the mom of a future famous comedian. Her current loves include cosmopolitans, reality TV, and shoes that don't pinch her feet.

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53-Year-Old Mom Gives Birth to Her Twin Granddaughters

dinsdag 13 augustus 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Mary Fischer 12 hours ago

This definitely isn't the first time we've heard about a mother serving as a gestational carrier for her daughter to help her fulfill her dream of becoming a parent, but you're going to be amazed after hearing about how one 53-year-old mom went above and beyond the call of duty.

Susie Kozisek just delivered her daughter's twins -- two baby girls, Hallee and Hadlee, now 3 weeks old. Susie's daughter Ashley was unable to give birth because she suffers from pulmonary hypertension, and that's why Susie stepped in to be a gestational carrier for Ashley and her husband Jay.

Of her decision to carry the babies for her daughter and son-in-law, Susie simply says, "I just wanted them to have the chance to be parents."

Oh, and I should probably go ahead and mention that the twins are Ashley and Jay's second and third children. They also have a 2-year-old daughter, Harper, who Susie also carried and gave birth to.

OMG. If anyone was ever deserving of the title "Grandmother of the Year," it's this woman for sure. She did a selfless, loving, and beautiful thing by offering to help Ashley and Jay become parents, but you have to admit, it seems a bit surprising that she was willing to go through a pregnancy not once, but twice while in her 50s.

Yes, I realize she must have been a very good candidate considering her doctor signed off on it -- but if I were her daughter, I think I would've been a bit hesitant to let my mother risk another pregnancy no matter how much I wanted another baby.

I guess we can assume Susie's first experience as a gestational carrier went well considering she was willing to do it again after the birth of baby Harper. But given her age, there were no guarantees that she'd be able to carry another baby without any complications. And then she wound up pregnant with twins! If that were my mom, I would have been worried sick not only for my unborn babies, but for her health and well being as well.

Even though being a gestational carrier a second time was Susie's idea, I'm not sure I would've agreed to it if I were Ashley. But then again, if Susie is anything like my own mother, odds are good she wasn't about to take no for an answer. Heck, my mom won't let me pay for dinner when we go out together, so I'm sure if she had her mind set on carrying a baby for me, I wouldn't be able to talk her out of it.

Having these children is clearly something Susie was very passionate about. I'm sure every single time she sees her three beautiful grandchildren with their parents, she's reminded again and again of what a wonderful decision she made, and what an incredible gift she gave her child -- three more beautiful little lives.

Would you let your mother be your gestational carrier?

Image via theodens/Flickr

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Mary Fischer

is the writer behind The Mommyologist, and the mom of a future famous comedian. Her current loves include cosmopolitans, reality TV, and shoes that don't pinch her feet.

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First Baby to Survive Birth With No Kidneys Is a Miracle

woensdag 31 juli 2013

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AppId is over the quota

Usually, I hate stories about sick babies. I can't even read those fundraising letters from the March of Dimes; they make me want to cry. But the story of a little girl who was just born with no kidneys is one of the most inspiring I've ever heard that I just had to share it. She's the first ever baby to survive with no kidneys!

How awesome is that?

Heck, doctors say Washington State Rep. Jaime Herrera Beutler's new baby girl was saved by her premature birth. How often do you hear that?

Obviously it would be more awesome if Beutler had an uncomplicated pregnancy and an unremarkable birth.

But life rarely works out as we plan. And the Beutlers' story is so remarkable that it's one to remember every time things go a little haywire.

Hope is our best asset in a fight against adversity. Hope is the point of those March of Dimes pamphlets I can't bring myself to read.

Hope is what every new baby represents, but especially a kid like Abigail Beutler. Because our kids are coming into a world where amazing things can happen, like a baby being born with no kidneys and surviving -- for the first time ever.

Abigail was born at Johns Hopkins at 28 weeks after her mother found out her child had Potter's Syndrome, an often lethal complication that means a fetus has very little to no amniotic fluid, causing them to be compressed in the womb. Her mom had several procedures during pregnancy where doctors inserted saline into the womb to act as amniotic fluid. Then they delivered her early -- very, very early.

That enabled doctors at Lucile Packard Children's Hospital in California to start dialysis (basically letting machines do what the kidneys usually do). They expect that will keep the little girl alive until she's big enough for a kidney transplant.

Amazing, right?

Absolutely miraculous.

And so darn full of hope that she should give all of us out here hope for a better tomorrow for our kids. If medicine can help a baby with no kidneys live, what else can it do?

Are you inspired by Abigail's story?

Image via Lucile Packard Children's Hospital

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'Town Crier' at Royal Baby's Birth Was Just a Party Crasher Who Fooled Millions

donderdag 25 juli 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Nicole Fabian-Weber 14 hours ago

Tony AppletonHey, remember that time the town crier announced the birth of the royal baby? He stood in front of St. Mary's Hospital, dressed in his traditional garb, gave a speech, rang his bell, and all the U.S. journalists standing in front of him were like, "Whuuuh? Nobody told me about this part." Well, he was just a party crasher. There was some on-air debate between reporters as to whether or not he was legit (I happened to be tuned in to Natalie Morales and Matt Lauer's back and forth -- they didn't think he was the real deal, FYI].) And, yep, turns out he's just a royal family superfan, like you and me.

Town criers. They're just like us.

His name is Tony Appleton, and he is a town crier, but he has no affiliation whatsoever with Kate Middleton, Prince William, or anyone in the royal family. He lives in Romford, England, not London, and he's a self-proclaimed "royalist". "I was not invited," Appleton told Yahoo in an interview. "I just crashed the party. I got out of my cab and I stood in front of the steps, because I didn't think I would be allowed on them, and I did my bit. It was great."

For those of you who missed Tony's bit, or were too confused to process what he was saying, here's what he read off his scroll:

On this day, the 22nd of July in the year 2013, we welcome, with honorable duty, a future king, the firstborn of Their Royal Highness the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the third in line to the throne. And our new prince is the third great-grandchild of Her Majesty the Queen and the grandchild of His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales. May he be long-lived, happy, and glorious, and one day reign over us. God save the Queen!

While it's slightly odd that Appleton decided to appoint himself the crier of the event, the guy didn't hurt anybody and he got to live out a dream. So that's cool. But I'm kind of wondering where security was. You'd think if a man or woman who wasn't supposed to be screaming crap started screaming crap, he or she would be hauled off. You'd think the guards would be informed of every little thing that was going to happen throughout the day. Everyone just stood there and watched Appleton -- and they let out a massive applause afterwards. Kinda weird.Thankfully, Tony wound up being a normal(ish) person who meant no ill-will to anyone. He simply wanted to get in on the festivities of the day and demonstrate his love for the royal family -- and demonstrate he did. This, for sure, will be one of the many things we remember when we look back at this moment in history.Tony Appleton, ladies and gentlemen.Did you think the town crier was real?Image via Jeff J Mitchell/GettyClick "Like" for more on the Royal Family.
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Kim Kardashian Speaks Out About Being a Mom for the First Time Since Baby's Birth

donderdag 18 juli 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Sasha Brown-Worsham 11 hours ago

Kim Kardashian has been laying pretty low since her baby girl North West came into the world on June 15. The new mom and her partner Kanye West have (wisely) taken their time releasing statements about parenthood, preferring instead to just have some private time. Now all that is over.

Kardashian has released her first statement about her new role via her blog and the statement is shockingly... demure. In it, she says how much she loves motherhood and also implies -- in a VERY un-Kardashian like manner -- that she has chosen privacy for this short period.

Say what?! See below:

Hey guys,

These past couple of weeks have been filled with the most exciting experiences of my life. I’m enjoying this time to fully embrace motherhood and spend time at home with my family. I’ve been reading all of your messages and want to thank you all for your sweet thoughts and best wishes. It truly means everything to me. I am so blessed to have the support of my family and fans in this beautiful moment. Xo

With love,
Kim

She sounds like a true new mom, doesn't she? I think we all know new motherhood changes us, but I don't think ANYONE thought new motherhood would change Kim Kardashian quite THIS much. Is she a new person?

Only time will tell.

It is clear, though, she is a mom now. That means taking her privacy seriously for the first time in her life. It means protecting her baby and letting all those new mom hormones settle before going out in the world.

Those first few weeks of a new baby are a heady mix of hormones, exhaustion, and elatement. I can't imagine wanting to be in the public eye during that time and apparently, neither could she.

It will definitely be interesting to see what emerges as time goes on. Will she be back to old Kim? Or will she seek privacy? We shall see!

Do you think Kim K will be more private now?

Image via Splash

Click the "Like" button below if you're Krazy for the Kardashians! ABOUT THE AUTHOR Sasha Brown-Worsham

can't decide whether she is a mother, writer, or runner, but is usually all three at some point each day. She has written for dozens of print magazines, newspapers, and websites. She rarely ever writes on bathroom walls.

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Kate Middleton’s Royal Birth Plan Revealed

woensdag 17 juli 2013

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AppId is over the quota
by Adriana Velez 11 hours ago

Well, here we are, Tuesday evening and still no Royal Baby. But just in case you were worried that the Palace isn't 110 percent ready for the big event, rest assured they are. Behold: The Royal Baby Birth Plan. Here it is, step by step, everything that will happen once Kate feels those first little contractions. Here is the carefully orchestrated chain of events that will follow her.

1. Kate will inform her private secretary Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, who will in turn alert Kate's doctor, Marcus Setchell, on a special palace-issued mobile phone. The message will be an encrypted signal ("OMFG, IT'S HAPPENING BITCHEZ!") not even Rebekah Brooks can intercept.

2. Dr. Setchell will hop into his Aston Martin BMW, affix a flashing green light to the roof, and zoom the seven miles from his North London home to St. Mary's Hospital. Press, now you know to look out for a BMW 6 Series with a green flashing light. Who needs to intercept an encrypted signal when you already have this scoop?

3. Kate will be whisked through a side entrance into her newly sanitized, $1,500-a-night room in the Lido Wing. Heavy security is already on site, probably wearing those white hospital booties.

4. Once she's safely in there, the palace will announce the imminent arrival of the Royal Baby, even though the press will have already seen her arrive.

5. Labor and delivery.

Wait, is that it? That's not a birth plan! We still don't know if Kate will be allowed to snack during labor, whether or not she'll allow an episiotomy, what her labor playlist consists of, whether or not she'll use a birthing tub, whether she wants to labor unmedicated. Will she push while standing up or on her back? How about the lighting? So many unanswered questions!

I'm sorry. I led you to believe I would deliver a birth plan, and here instead we have a publicity plan obviously written by a man who has never been anywhere near a deliver room. I guess we'll have to find out all those much more crucial details later.

What about Kate Middleton's birth plan did you want to hear about?

Image via Sarah Ackerman/Flickr

Click "Like" for more on the Royal Family. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Adriana Velez

is a staff writer who dabbles in food, parenting, news, entertainment, molecular biology, and anything else that that pops into her head. She lives with her elementary school-aged son in Brooklyn, land of urban farms and artisan everything.  

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