3 Things to Tell Your Kids When You're Getting Divorced

donderdag 12 september 2013

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by Jenny Erikson 2 hours ago

The other day I made an offhand remark to a friend about something my soon-to-be-ex-husband had done that I found irritating, to put it mildly. Then I realized that my kiddos were right there with me, and overheard my gah I can’t believe he did that(!) comment.

I paused my conversation and launched into my go-to speech whenever something negative comes up about their dad or anything about our impending divorce. “Girls, this divorce is not your fault ...” I didn’t have a chance to finish as both my daughters rolled their eyes and interrupted, “... and you and Daddy both love us very much.”

Divorce with kids is rough, man, and trying to decide what to tell them, how much to tell them, when to tell them, etc., is no easy decision. Everyone has an opinion, and make no mistake, you will be judged for whatever you decide to do. Because of course you didn’t stay married ‘for the kids,’ so now you’re supposed to be an extra perfect parent. You know, to make up for your inability to stay married.

Anyway. You have the people that say you should be completely transparent and reveal the gory details. Then you have the people that think kids should be left completely unaware of what went down in the marriage to protect them and also it’s none of their business.

I think the best answer is somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. I think it is their business, in part, if for no other reason than Mommy and Daddy don’t live together or do that gross kissing thing anymore. They’re going to notice. That said, they really don’t need to know about my inner turmoil or what the straw that broke my marriage’s back was.

No matter how much or how little you decide to reveal to your kids about your divorce, there are three key things that you should tell them.

"This is not your fault." All kids have a tendency to self-blame, so repeat this one over and over. Don’t just say it, live it too. If your child hears, “If only your father had made dinner once in a while,” your child will hear, “If I hadn’t needed dinner, maybe my parents would still be married.”“We both love you very, very much.” Does this one even need an explanation? Even if your co-parent doesn’t act like it, you can use the old fallback of, “He just has a hard time showing it.”“Daddy is not a bad person/jerk/asshat.” Ok, so you don’t have to state this one specifically, but do refrain from name-calling. Your kids are half you and half your ex. If you resort to personal attacks, your kids won’t hear that their dad is a douche canoe; they’ll hear that they’re a douche canoe, because they are half of him. Then they might ask what douche means or, worse, look it up on the Internet, so really it’s better to just avoid the whole thing.

When you’ve done all that, then snuggle, hug, run, play, eat cookies together, and generally show them that they are wonderful little human beings capable of great joy. The best lesson you can teach by example to your kids after your split with their dad is that their happiness is not dependent on their parents’ marital status.

How much do you think kids need to know about their parents' divorce?

Image via Jenny Erikson

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Jenny Erikson

is a conservative chick living in Southern California with her two daughters. She loves politics and hates laundry.

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Hey, Taylor Swift, Harry Styles Doesn’t Think You’re Finished With Him Yet

zaterdag 24 augustus 2013

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by Kiri Blakeley 14 hours ago

Of the long list of ex-boyfriends Taylor Swift has written songs about, one very important ex seems to be missing. Although rumor had it Taylor had written "I Knew You Were Trouble" about One Direction's Harry Styles, she actually wrote the song before hooking up with -- and being dumped by -- Hairy Harry. So the man (boy?) needs a song. Why should that smarmy pretty boy John Mayer get a song and not Harry?!! And we're not the only ones who think that Harry needs a Taylor Swift song. He thinks so too!

The One Directioner told US Weekly:

It would be hypocritical for me to say she couldn't do it because everybody writes songs based on personal experience. I can't say I'd have dated someone less famous to avoid it. At least she's a great songwriter!

Sounds like he's just waiting with bated breath for his damn song, amiright? You can't blame him. All these other dudes get songs. He needs his own stinkin' breakup song! And then for Taylor to sing it to him at the VMAs! This is what the world needs NOW!

I kind of wonder what a Harry ditty would sound like. Maybe sumpthin' like:

I remember making out

In Times Square

On New Year's Eve

With your hair ...

It was cold

But you kept me warm

In Times Square

You were so horn (y)

Well, okay, I didn't say I was a songwriter! But if she said all that, we'd totally know who it was about, right? And then Harry would be happy. And all would be well.

Do you want to hear a song about Harry?

Image via PacificCoastNews

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Hey, Taylor Swift, Harry Styles Doesn’t Think You’re Finished With Him Yet

AppId is over the quota
AppId is over the quota
by Kiri Blakeley 14 hours ago

Of the long list of ex-boyfriends Taylor Swift has written songs about, one very important ex seems to be missing. Although rumor had it Taylor had written "I Knew You Were Trouble" about One Direction's Harry Styles, she actually wrote the song before hooking up with -- and being dumped by -- Hairy Harry. So the man (boy?) needs a song. Why should that smarmy pretty boy John Mayer get a song and not Harry?!! And we're not the only ones who think that Harry needs a Taylor Swift song. He thinks so too!

The One Directioner told US Weekly:

It would be hypocritical for me to say she couldn't do it because everybody writes songs based on personal experience. I can't say I'd have dated someone less famous to avoid it. At least she's a great songwriter!

Sounds like he's just waiting with bated breath for his damn song, amiright? You can't blame him. All these other dudes get songs. He needs his own stinkin' breakup song! And then for Taylor to sing it to him at the VMAs! This is what the world needs NOW!

I kind of wonder what a Harry ditty would sound like. Maybe sumpthin' like:

I remember making out

In Times Square

On New Year's Eve

With your hair ...

It was cold

But you kept me warm

In Times Square

You were so horn (y)

Well, okay, I didn't say I was a songwriter! But if she said all that, we'd totally know who it was about, right? And then Harry would be happy. And all would be well.

Do you want to hear a song about Harry?

Image via PacificCoastNews

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10 Ways You Know You're Whipped

vrijdag 23 augustus 2013

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by Emily Abbate 3 hours ago

Relationships do funny things to your opinions. Like one second, you could absolutely despise Kanye West, and the next, when the person you're dating can't get enough of him, you find yourself boppin' along to his music while making dinner. Of course, that's a loose example. Oftentimes when you're committed, the things that bothered you before about the opposite sex aren't as big of a deal when it comes to your man. Oftentimes, you forget about certain things or habits that really matter to you because you have someone that really matters to you.

I'm talking dirty. I'm talking disgusting. I'm talking instances where you totally would have freaked out a few months back if you saw some stranger doing the same thing your lover is doing now. I hate to tell ya, girlfriend, but if you're not freaking out about some of these gross and highly annoying habits -- you're probably whipped.

Here, check out these 10 ways you know you're whipped:

1. Your man leaves the seat up; you say nothing: I don't know ANY woman who doesn't get a tad annoyed when her man leaves the seat up in the bathroom.

2. He digs for gold at the dinner table; you pretend you don't notice: I'm sorry, but the table is NO place for boogers. Pretending you don't notice that casual nose scratch is a red flag that you're head-over-heels.

3. You're the big joke: Whereas you used to shine every once in a while with your funny "jokes" (that probably weren't all that funny to begin with), now your significant other gets to rag on you all the time and you don't stop him. That cute arm-around-the-shoulder move he does afterward makes it all OK.

4. Upon waking up, you don't get angry when he turns on SportsCenter instead of Today: Instead, you look for your news on your iPad rather than listening to Kathie Lee and Hoda joke about the headlines while drinking wine. Same thing, sort of?

5. You find his mismatched clothing cute, not pathetic: The man is old enough to know that salmon pink doesn't match with aqua marine. For some crazy reason, though, you just aren't fazed.

6. You don't correct his horrible social media grammar: Oh god. Personally, the day that I keep my opinions to myself about my man's social media habits is a day I fear. Maybe that's just because I'm a writer.

7. You make excuses as to why him being late for date night is OK: For the record, it's not okay unless there's some real emergency. Last time I checked, catching the end of a baseball game before walking out the door didn't classify. Not flinching when he doesn't let you know he'll be 30 minutes late? Yeah, you're in deep.

8. You don't miss your friends even though you haven't seen them in three weeks: This is always a clear indication of whipped status. Who needs friends when you can have a late but unapologetic significant other?

9. You've allowed him to borrow your iPod ... for three weeks: It's one thing to let someone borrow your stuff. It's another to pretend you don't miss it while they're enjoying the benefits of the newest John Mayer album.

10. He smells and you don't tell him: You should tell him. Being polite under such crucial circumstances is not what he needs. He needs the truth. Never be too whipped to tell your man he has B.O.

Have you ever been whipped? How did you know?

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10 Signs You're Turning Into Your Mom

woensdag 21 augustus 2013

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Is there any greater fear than that of turning into your parents? Especially after you BECOME a parent? If you're 32 or older, bad news. You're already there.

At least according to a new (entirely unscientific) survey, 32 is the age when moms turn into their mother. Phewww! I'm awfully close to 32 but not quite there.

Then again, I have stopped myself in my tracks with some of the momisms I swore I would NEVER say. So I guess it's really inevitable. It happens. You become your parents.

Not sure if you're there yet? Behold the signs:

1. You tell the kids you won't buy them candy because money doesn't grow on trees.

2. You can't name a single one of the songs your kids listen to; you just want them to TURN THAT RACKET DOWN.

3. You've found yourself running through the names of all your kids, pets, etc., before you actually get to the name of the kid you're speaking to.

4. You've threatened to turn the car around.

More From The Stir: 25 Fake Swears Parents Use in Front of the Kids

5. You see uneaten food on dinner plates as an affront to starving children in a third world country (and mention this daily).

6. You have no less than 12 responses to "it isn't fair."

7. You caved and put the "proud parent of" bumper sticker on your car. 

8. Your daughter wouldn't be caught DEAD borrowing your clothes.

9. You don't have to use words to communicate with your kids. You just give them "the look."

10. You no longer look fondly on your teenage antics. And you plan to ground your kid's sorry fanny if they even THINK about trying one of them.

Be honest ... have you become your parents yet?

Image by Jeanne Sager

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The Toxins in Your Body Say Whether You're Rich or Poor -- Which Are You?

woensdag 7 augustus 2013

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by Maressa Brown 12 hours ago We've been told that our chances of getting this disease or that illness are based on genetics or environment. But it may also have something to do with our bank accounts. And I'm not talking about being able to afford better health care! How rich or how poor we are may be a factor leading to whether we end up suffering from Alzheimer's or infertility. That's because, according to University of Exeter researchers who used data from the U.S. National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, rich and poor people have different toxins in their bodies.

For instance, compared to poorer people, the wealthy had higher levels of mercury, arsenic, caesium and thallium, all of which tend to accumulate in fish and shellfish. Thus, people who can afford to eat lots of pricey sushi, lobsters, and shrimp are at higher risk. The rich also had higher levels of benzophenone-3, AKA oxybenzone, which some experts say may actually encourage skin cancer. Grrreat!

Maybe because they're slathering it on while on fancy vacays? (Although I'd argue that a lot of people are starting to realize that old school zinc's where it's at.)

As for the poor? They're apparently smoking more, so they have higher levels of lead and cadmium. Poor people in America also had higher levels of hormone and fertility-disrupting Bisphenol-A (BPA), because it's often used in plastic food containers and cans. Ugh.

While I'm sure there's SOME merit to learning what your wealth says about your toxic burden, overall, this seems pretty silly, amirite? How does it really help to know this? Ultimately, we're all human and we're all being POISONED by our environment! No one -- rich or poor -- should have to worry that the "healthy" fish they're eating is actually poisoning them with neurotoxic mercury. No one -- rich or poor -- should have to be concerned about BPA in their lunch. And yet, we're ALL being exposed to these things right and left.

No one is helped by knowing that being rich or poor will raise their risk of carrying around this or that toxin. No one toxin is better or worse than another. In the end, all of these man-made pollutants are horrible and, geeze, now whether you're rich or poor, I guess you have a reason to be depressed.

How do you feel about this study?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Maressa Brown

has enjoyed reporting and writing for a variety of entertainment and women's magazines and websites. More often than not, you'll find her blogging, hitting the gym, reading, researching something on her iPhone, laughing, chatting at an above-"normal" volume, or getting her caffeine fix.

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8 Signs You're Married to a Narcissist

donderdag 1 augustus 2013

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by Kiri Blakeley 2 hours ago

Narcissists are all over the news lately. There's Anthony Weiner, who seems to think it's no one's business but his own (and maybe his wife's -- at least when she finds out about it) that he chronically sexts random young women. Never mind that he wants to, you know, run the biggest city in the country. There's Ariel Castro. Who seems to believe that he had every right to nab three women off the street and hold them captive for 10 years because he had sexual needs to fulfill. The narcissist is all about himself. Not all of them bring it to the extreme that Weiner and Castro do -- many classic narcissists are upstanding, successful members of society. Experts say that most people on Wall Street are narcissists. No surprise there. But could you be married to one? And what could this mean for you? Here are 8 clues that you're married to a narcissist.

1. Narcissists put themselves above everything else. Can't afford a new sports car? Doesn't matter if the narcissist wants it -- even if that means not letting your kid go to summer camp or get a tutor. What the narcissist wants reigns supreme. Does the narcissist want to meet an old girlfriend for dinner? Then he has every right to. You don't control him! If you're with a narcissist, you will continually find that your time, money, schedule, and energy revolve around his wants and needs.

2. Putting you down. As paradoxical as it seems, narcissists are obsessed with themselves but actually very insecure. So in order to puff themselves up, they have to put you down. It can be anything from telling you flat-out how stupid and incompetent you are to subtle put-downs that you may hardly even notice at first, something like, "That color only looks good on thin people."

3. Dysfunctional family. Almost all narcissists come from broken or dysfunctional homes. Their narcissism was a needed survival mechanism at the time. Now he can't get out of it -- and probably doesn't see any reason to.

4. Scared of feelings. Narcissists don't like talking or even thinking about feelings. They often won't admit that they're angry, even if they are throwing things against the walls. If something traumatic happens, they'll deny they are sad about it.

5. Idol worship. Narcissists often have people they worship, who can do no wrong. Usually it's a boss or mentor or someone else they see as successful. Narcissists are often obsessed with professional success. If the narcissist's idol ever shows a flaw, the narcissist is outraged.

6. Self-aggrandizing. Narcissists can do it all -- put together a PowerPoint presentation whilst skiing down a snowy mountain and whipping up a five-course meal all while closing a massive real estate deal. At least according to them.

7. Gifted liar. Narcissists frequently lie -- about both big and small things. You may not catch them for years because they are good at justifying themselves and coming up with excuses. After you've caught a narcissist in a lie, even a huge one, it's not unusual for YOU to somehow end up being the one who apologizes.

8. You feel like utter crap. If you generally feel duped, put upon, tricked, manipulated, lied to, criticized, belittled, worthless, and humiliated in your relationship -- then chances are you are with a narcissist.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a narcissist?

Image via iStock

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5 Ways to Stay Cool When You're Having 'Hot Sex'

maandag 29 juli 2013

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by Kristen Chase 12 hours ago

Holy heatwave, batman! I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter where you live, because this summer has been crazy hot all over -- which means I'm sweating even while I'm standing still. So the thought of having sex now? Ugh.

But hey, that's why they make air conditioners, right? Actually, that's not the only way you can stay cool during those hot summer sex romps. Get ready to get it on without melting into a puddle while you're at it.

1. Have sex in the shower: Now I know people usually take cold showers to turn themselves off, but when you're with someone else, they can certainly have an adverse effect. And really, all that hot action will ensure that the only thing the water is doing is keeping your body cool.

2. Marble countertops, anyone? If you've ever sat with your bare butt on marble (or tile, for that matter), then you know it's pretty freaking cold. So why not prop yourself up on one and go at it? Yes, wipe it off before and after, and make sure the kids are asleep or out with the grandparents or a sitter. Then go for it!

3. Go downstairs: Pretty simple science here: heat rises. So you might need to change the location of your love-making to lower levels. Downstairs, basement, underground hut? Ha! But seriously, the higher up in your house you are, the hotter it's going to be.

4. Play with ice: Using a little ice in your sex play isn't just a way to make things hotter. It can actually help cool you down when the temps are out of control. Plus, it's just water so it's safe to put anywhere. Yes, you know what I'm talking about.

5. Choose your playtime wisely: It might be time to hop on the morning sex train when the temps are still low or wait until late at night when the sun is down. The last thing you want is to be doing the deed with the hot sun shining in through your windows.

What are your tips for keeping cool while still having fun summer sex?

Image via StevenDepolo/Flickr

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Kristen Chase

is a writer, sex book author, and mom of four. She has absolutely no hobbies, unless you count obsessing over Ryan Reynolds, cleaning Sharpie off the walls, and Twitter. 

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15 Signs You're Dangerously Addicted to Men

woensdag 24 juli 2013

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Are you addicted to a man or men? When we think of addiction, we don't generally think in terms of relationships, but an addiction can apply to any activity you continue to engage in despite severely negative physical or emotional consequences. People can get addicted to pretty much anything. And if it means you are using the addiction, whether it be to working out, texting, Facebooking, watching sports, or doing drugs -- to either avoid your feelings or to fill an emptiness inside -- it's not good. A relationship can give you a "high" just like a drug can, and yes, you can get addicted to relationships. If that relationship is a good, healthy one, it's not so bad to be consumed by it (though healthy people generally do not get "consumed" by one thing). But if it's a toxic relationship that leads to stress, obsession, or physical or emotional harm, then you really want to take a good, hard look at what is going on. Here are 15 signs you're a manaholic.

1. You feel "empty," "out of sorts," "restless," or otherwise "off" if you are not with your man or not in a relationship.

2. You need to be with your man, despite feeling worse when you're with him than without him.

3. You overeat, drink alcohol, or take prescription medication to deal with the stress of your relationship. You may even overengage in normally healthy activities like running or doing yoga to avoid thinking about your relationship or "getting away" from it.

4. You often have thoughts like "I should leave" or "I should divorce him" or "This relationship isn't good" but can't seem to do any actions that might upset the relationship.

5. You pity or look down on single women or think something like, "I may be unhappy but thank god I'm not single."

6. The idea of being single frightens or depresses you.

7. You are constantly making excuses for his behavior by saying things like, "He's not usually like this," or "He's been under a lot of stress lately," or "He had a bad childhood."

8. You are convinced you can change him if you only do a, b, or c. Or d, e, f!

9. You think keeping your marriage together is more important than being at peace, being content, being happy, or standing your ground on issues that are important to you.

10. You think once you meet that "magic man" or make your man into what you want, then you will be happy.

11. You look to men or your man to make you happy. You think that no one is happy without a relationship.

12. You equate being with a man to being "successful" in life. If you break up or get divorced, you feel you've "failed."

13. You have physical problems like high blood pressure, heart palpitations, skin rashes, exhaustion, or other stress-related health issues that weren't there before you got involved with your man.

14. You are constantly trying to manage/control him and his behavior. You are determined to make sure he gets a job, doesn't cheat again, stays off the computer, stops contacting his ex, stops drinking, gets therapy, or manages his money better.

15. You can't have a conversation without saying, "He said ... " "He did ..." "He thinks ..." etc.

There are lots of other symptoms where this came from, and if even one applies to you, I suggest you get some help in the form of a therapist who specializes in relationship addiction. You could also read the book Women Who Love Too Much.

Are you a man addict?

Image via KaboDesignsdotcom/Etsy

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